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Memorable or notable quotes from Top Gear's Africa Special.

Richard Hammond[]

(Repeated line) Shut up!

(Repeated line) Fact.

(After missing a bike that nearly crashes into him) Sorry!

(After "accidentally" setting fire to a sock) Ooh, careless.

(After the "primary school sports day" comparison) Rubbish. If this were a school sports day, here's how it's worked out: everyone's got all excited because the BMW, the fat kid, and the Volvo, the geeky, speccy, nerdy kid have both finished the cross country course. "Oh, well done, we're so amazed you did it! We're so surprised yet well done there." But let's not forget the fact that the genuinely sporty kid, the Subaru — who's actually good at this stuff — also finished, and finished well! Because it's the best, fact!

James May[]

This one's got a chair and a table.

Jeremy Clarkson[]

F^&#ing Hammond is not having this!

I believe in speed [and] power. Power and speed solves many things. Speed and power!

Couple of rules you need to know really about Uganda if you're coming here. Number one, if you're a male homosexual and you indulge in your, uh, homosexuality, it's life imprisonment. That's very important to know. Also, it is compulsory here for motorcyclists to wear a crash helmet unless you are a woman on your way back from the hairdressers, then you are allowed to wear a carrier bag on your head instead. (Laughs) I promise, I promise that's true.

(After getting stuck in mud and letting out an almighty scream) That was so damn close.

(Attempting to get past Hammond) I know how I can get Hammond out of my way. (plays Genesis over the speaker)

(Finding feces in his room's bed) Oh my God. HAMMOOOOOOOOOOND!!!!

(After pulling James' Volvo with his BMW) I've been shouted at so much. (grabs a soda) Need a zesty drink. (takes off the lid takes a giant gulp of it)

(Interrupting his voiceover monologue) I'm sorry to interrupt myself, but I think we have a problem.

(Commenting on the success of his make-shift handbrake) Sometimes my genius is…it's almost frightening.

Dialogue[]

Jeremy and James mocking Hammond's Planet Earth Live show:[]

Part I
Jeremy: This is strangely familiar, you telling me about animals that you've just seen than I haven't.
Richard: (Laughs) Oh, you evil sod!
Jeremy: It reminds me of a television programme. James, can you think what that television...
Richard: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
James: Was it "Richard Hammond coming to you from a tent in the dark", was it that one?
Jeremy: No, not Hammond. It was a little man and he kept saying "I've had an amazing day, I've seen lots of animals, but sadly this is live and it's dark now".
Richard: Shut up! (Laughs)
Part II
Jeremy: I've seen more already here on the Serengeti then I saw in Sir Richard Hammond-borough's Planet Earth Live programme. (To Richard) Why didn't you show all of these animals, Hammond, and your Planet Earth programme? There's million of them that we could of looked at!
Richard: Shut up!

Shattered peace and serenity[]

Jeremy: (voiceover) As dawn broke, the peace and serenity of this beautiful Ugandan morning was shattered by the bellow of a wild animal...
James: CLARKSOOOOON!!
(Cut to a furious James finding a hole in his car's bonnet.)

Hammond's chair falls off his car roof into the river[]

Richard: That was tied on!
Jeremy: No, I took the rope off.
James: We needed the rope.
Jeremy: I took it off. I can, I can go on the other side.
(Jeremy moves to the other side.)
Jeremy: As it turns out.
James: Perfect, right, let's go, forget the chair.
(They pull the raft and while they do that, a local goes to retrieve Hammond's chair.)
Jeremy: Are we there yet?
Richard: Somebody's had me chair.
Jeremy: That man's got your chair!
Richard: Good for him. (to the local) Enjoy it!

Jeremy asking James about his missing door panel []

James: Can you give me a tow?
Jeremy: Is that my door?
James: What?
Jeremy: It is from my- I know it's from my door!
James: Well you're not using that bit and it was more useful on my car. You didn't even notice.
Jeremy: Right well that's it. That's it!
James: Can you give me a tow?
Jeremy: No!

Jeremy's sophisticated way of fixing his BMW Estate[]

Richard: Jeremy broke out his vast and sophisticated toolkit.
Jeremy: (whilst hitting the engine with a hammer) What else is electrical in here?
James and Richard: Not the exhaust manifold. (in unison)
Jeremy: I've done the fuse box of, that's what that is.
James: That's an air filter.
Jeremy: Right.
Richard: It's all mechanical, you can mend it with a hammer.
Jeremy: If this works.
Richard: Yes.
(Jeremy revs the engine, then he laughs)
Richard: Soldier on.
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