- Right, that's the track, now we needed someone who could tame it. So we got ourselves a professional racing driver who could post consistently fast lap times. We um, we couldn't do that. Now we call this thing The Stig, okay, we don't know its name, we really don't know its name, no-one knows its name and we don't want to know because it's a racing driver and racing drivers have tiny little brains and therefore worthless opinions and they're very dull; doctors actually call it Mansell Syndrome. Um, its job is simply to go out there and drive fast.
- Well, every fast car that we test here is gonna go round our test track and set a lap time so we can evaluate them all against one another and it's all fair so The Stig drives them. The times go up there, on our Power car Lap Time Board, so let's see what The Stig did with it.
- So will it [the Westfield XTR2] be able to go round our test track faster than the mighty Zonda?
Thanks for your faith.
Right, well, we'll see.
That's The Stig, there's the telemetry, look.
- So basically, then, the Ferrari is a winner as far as investment's concerned, it's a winner on the road. But, what about on the track?
- That's how we rate them, but will that have any bearing on what Stig reckons when he gets to grips with them? It's gonna be a different kind of F1, there's 7 cars, and only one Stig.
- The only thing that remains now for us to do is to find out how fast it goes around the track. These are the times we've had so far, the Westfield is, uh, leading, 1 minute 23 seconds. The only problem is the Westfield weighs exactly the same as one of the indicator stalks in this. Let's see what happens. Over to you, Mr. Stig.
- How many more points have you got that I don't know? This is a fast car, isn't it? This isn't.
Mine is. The AMG.
We noticed The Stig didn't drive it.
No, there's no way I was gonna let The Stig- seriously, I was not gonna let The Stig drive it.
'cause it's your car.
Yeah, but we let The Stig drive it when we stole the key.
- So all we need do now, is see how fast it [the Lotus Elise 111S] goes round our track. Unleash The Stig.
- But it [the Maserati Coupé] does have one chance to redeem itself. Stoke up The Stig.
- More importantly, how does it compare with the obvious direct competitor, the Ford Focus RS?
Well, we're men, okay? So we have to quantify that. Therefore, engage Stig Drive!
- Great! But these cars must now face the acid test. Bitte willkommen sie, das Stig!
- Anyway, we still got one thing left to do with this car [Lotus Esprit], of course. Unfurl The Stig!
- I'm not a driving God, alright? It was a mistake to make that claim. But I do know someone who is a driving God. To find out how the Bowler would do on the fearsome Top Gear test track, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome His Holiness, The Stig!
- But we do have one more test to do; we've gotta see which is the fastest round our track, so that means breaking out The Stig and that's a problem, because he's been to Nashville for his holidays and I'm afraid he's developed a penchant for Country & Western music. Yee ha.
- Alpina is a good company; they've been doing good things with BMWs for 30 years or more, but I think the Z8's just like a delinquent child; it was born bad, it's always gonna be bad. On that basis, we weren't going to bother taking it round the track. I mean, only Ronan Keating would be interested in the outcome. Problem was The Stig; he has been beside himself with excitement all day because his hero has been here - the king of easy listening, David Soul. He wanted to go and show off, so um, we had to let him.
- A used DB7 is around about, I don't know, £60[thousand] to get a good one and then, uh, £10 - £12 thousand for the suspension, and another £10[thousand], no, you don't really need it, for the engine.
Ha - that's brilliant! Is that your idea of a used-car tip?! So what you've done is take a really expensive car and turned it into... well, it's still a really expensive car! It's 80 grand!
It's all part of the Top Gear service, as of course is our lap, so it's time to pump up The Stig, and see how fast he can make it go round.
- But, before we give it [the Renault Clio V6] the complete clean bill of health, there is one more test to do. Mesdames et Messieurs, bienvenue dans la pluie - Le Stig!
- But before I give it a completely clean bill of health, one more test. Everybody silent for The Stig.
- Let's get back to the safety theme and the Koenigs-zzzeug. We've established that it's the fastest car we've ever tested in a straight line, but what about round the track? It would have to beat the Zonda's 1:23.8, so can it? Välkommen behaga, Steugen!
- But of course, there is one more thing we've gotta do 'cause we know nothing. Avanti Stigissimo!
- I've got the brochure here and I have never seen so many of these stupid acronyms for driver control. Look you've got DCC, Wheel Hop Control, DSTC c-r-a-p, what does it all- I mean can you turn it off?
No- (chortles) The normal thing is, in a normal car, when you wanna turn the traction control off, ok, you just have a button; push it and it's off. Not in this, though. It says here that you're not allowed to do this unless you are "highly experienced". And then it says that in order to do this you have to press the button five times, in succession, "with a certain frequency".
Oh God- does it tell you what the frequency is?
No. But this is the country that cracked the Enigma code, ok? So we had no problem working out what it was, and then when we'd got it off, we gave the car to The Stig.
- We're gonna settle this, right? The track, wheel out The Stig.
This is a duel.
- It [the Porsche 911 GT3] is absolutely fantastic but there is just one test left for it; The Stig. Now before we sent him off to HMS Invincible, which we'll see in a short while, as a bit of practice because it is bucketing out there, we sent him out on the track in this. So schnell, schell, Herr Stigmacher!
- The thing is though, I'm not sure that BMW at its absolute best is quite as good as Porsche at its absolute best.
No, I know what you mean. Perfect example: the 911 GT3 Porsche on the show last week. They're very similar, I mean they're both stripped-out, lightweight essentially track cars, but the 911... it's that bit more expensive, yeah, but it's that bit more powerful, it's a bit faster, it's just better, ultimately.
I agree, but we'll find out for sure now; Time to warm up our new Stig.
- [After arguing over the Porsche Boxster, BMW Z4 & Honda S2000] The one thing that we did agree on, ok, the one thing we agreed on, was this would be settled on our track by fresh Stig. So, we sent him out there, fastest lap wins.
- Now what I'd like to do at this point, to demonstrate the difference between car and plane even more, is bolt The Stig into the SAAB here, and have him race a fighter jet round our track. Only trouble is, can you imagine ringing up the Royal Navy and saying "Hello, I'm from that pokey motoring programme on BBC2; would it be possible to borrow one of your Sea Harriers?" You can imagine what the response would be... yes, they were there in a jiffy!
- Now, [applause], now, time for a confession. A confession because when we first started Top Gear, we thought it would be a really good idea in the interest of fairness, to make sure our test track was always wet, so it was the same for all the cars we tested. The thing is - good idea, but we made a complete hash of it. All we were left with was a really big bill for a water tanker that wasn't big enough to soak the whole track, seriously it was just like all dry with some strategically-placed deep puddles at odd corners. And that is why, in the first programme, the Lamborghini Murciélago with dead Stig at the wheel set a time of 1:29. Now, we always knew it could do better than that, so we sent fresh Stig out on to the dry track to see what the Murciélago can really do.
- [On the Lamborghini LM002] Have you ever seen a cathedral go round our test track?
Would you like to see it?
- All of that aside, the fact remains: how does the Gallardo do on the track? Now The Stig has already been out in the Murciélago so he should have absolutely no trouble with its baby brother.
- The thing about it [the Mazda RX-8] is, is that it was great, but after I recorded that, I drove it on a wet road, and it's awfully twitchy. There's something about these tyres that make it really... you know, a bit skittish. However, shouldn't be a problem for The Stig because it's bone dry out there. So, moshi-moshi, Stig-San!
- What we've gotta find out now is, how fast it [the Vauxhall Monaro] is. So, pray silence please, for Dame Edna Everstig!
- Earlier on, I tried the MG SV and we reckoned that it would be worth £75,000 if it could go out on our track and give the Germans a bloody nose. So, lets fire him up; Colonel Fotherington-Digby-Stigby!
- There are an awful lot of new coupés around at the moment, erm, so really, we've got to put this one on the track, see how it [the Audi TT] does. So, to test its flappy-paddle gearbox, I'll hand you over to the totally unflappable Mr. Stig.
- [Responding to Jeremy, who's talking about Rowan Atkinson trying to cut him off in a Honda NSX] But look, we can't talk for too long, because if we do they'll start fiddling with the thing again. So, let's get it out on the track: Banzai, Stig!
- Some say that he used to be a stormtrooper, but he was kicked out when he tried to eat Darth Vader. All we know is that he's called the Stig!
- Some say that he lives in a tree, and his sweat could be used to clean precious metals. All we know is that he's called the Stig!
- Some say that his first name really is “The”, and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island they’d all be pregnant, including the camera men. All we know is he’s called the Stig.
- Some say that he's made of rubber porcelain, and that his shadow is that of a beluga whale. All we know is that he's called the Stig!
- Some say he's "A" in Pretty Little Liars. All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say, he's actually dead... But the Grim Reaper is too scared to tell him... All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say...He can play guitar with the clutch...and his carbon fibre beard is chizelled in the most streamlined way... All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say he knighted the Queen... and that he saved the Queen from God... All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say that it's impossible for him to wear socks... and that he can open a beer bottle with his testes!... All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say that all his pot plants are called Steve.. and that he has a life size tattoo of his face.. on his face.. all we know is, he's called The Stig!
- Some say he has a striped top like James May's... All we know is, he's called the Stig!
- Some say that he can hypnotize sheep, and that if he could be bothered he could swim the Atlantic ocean - underwater.
- Some say he blinks sideways... And I [Richard Hammond] forgot to make a second one because I hasn't done this in a while...... All we know is, he's called the Stig!
- Some say, that he once co-presented a Brazilian show about blimp disasters, and that once, he actually punched God. All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say that he once killed a giraffe with just his feet and that he has a black belt in paper maché...all we know is he's called The Stig!
- Some say he is five foot tall with lead in his feet, others say six feet with tall with air in his head....but he doesn't care what you say. You'll only know him as... The Stig!
- Some say he's contracted every STD known to man, and that he has inflatable breasts to get him out of speeding tickets. All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say, that he is one of the protons in the Large Hadron Collider, and that he creates miniature black holes every time he sneezes. All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say he was the one who actually pulled Excalibur from the stone and that he is the rightful king of England. All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say he sucks the moisture from ducks, and if you lick his chest it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli. All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say he gave birth to Chuck Norris and that the mother was Superman!
- Some say he has no understanding of queuing.
- Some say, he once modeled for Page 3... and his feet are made from dog leather. All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all of his legs are hydraulic... All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground... All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say he's wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat... All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and that wherever you are in the world, if you tune your radio to 88.4, you can actually hear his thoughts... All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show... All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say that to unlock him, you have to run your finger down his face, like this (Clarkson then walks up to a fan from the audience and does a sort of 'swipe' down his face), and that if he was getting divorced from Paul McCartney, he'd keep his stupid whiny mouth shut! All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say he can swim seven lengths under water, and he has webbed buttocks... All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say that because our producer rigged a phone vote he has a new name. All we know is his name is Cuddles!
- Some say he knows two facts about ducks, and that both of them are wrong... All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say he is illegal in seventeen US states, and he blinks this way [sideways]. All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees. All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say that his favourite T-shirt has a picture on the front of a T-shirt, and that he spent all week waiting for a big cheque from the Germans, because he too has spent the last 2000 years sitting on his backside doing absolutely nothing at all. All we know is he’s called the Stig!
- Some say that that he will be playing Paul Walker in the new fast and furious movie. All we know is he's called the Stig!
- Some say that he invented the mankini because he was frustrated with how his speedos looked on him and that he is the reason why The Beatles split up. All we know is, he's called The Stig!
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