These are quotes from Top Ground Gear Force. Feel free to add more quotes.

Handy Hammond

Right, now since I'm the only country bumpkin on the team, I'm in charge.

(After Clarkson shot some flowers with his shotgun) Granted, they're gone, but you can't... you can't garden with a shotgun.

(After crashing a digger in a hole) How the hell did that happen with my hi-vi on?

(Realizing the bigger digger is leaving marks on the grass) I mean it will grow back, as a gardener I can tell, it's grass, it grows back.

I can hide behind anybody.

Jamesie Dillock May

No, sorry, all that matters in a garden is shed.

(After Clarkson ruined his shed by blowing up a rock bed) Look what you've done to my bloody shed, man!

(Hammond sets fire to his shed) You utter pillock!

Jeremy Clarkson

Hello and-- (steps in dog droppings) I've just trodden in some dog poo.

All that matters in a garden, is a water feature.

(After Hammond demonstrates how to remove plants) Dirty fingernails, cringed back.

Fire in the Pole! (The Poles clear away) That usually clears them.

Ann Redgrave

(Repeated line) No.

Well Steve likes water features, he tried one over in the corner.

I don't mind as long as it looks reasonable.



Jeremy: There's only one tool you need for gardening and I've got it. (Clarkson walks away)

James: It's a hammer.

Richard: It'll be a hammer. That's not a hammer!

Clarkson comes back with a shotgun.

Jeremy: This.

James: Is that a hoe?

Clarkson: (Laughing) No it isn't.

Health and Safety

Hammond drives a digger.

Jeremy: Hammond!

Richard: What!?

Clarkson comes up to him with a "Health and Safety" vest.

Jeremy: You've got to wear that.

Richard: What?

Jeremy: You've got to wear that.

Richard: Why?

Jeremy: Because, Health and Safety say it'll keep you healthy and safe.

Richard: Safe from what?

Clarkson says nothing.

Richard: Right.

Hammond puts it on.

James is organizing his tools, completely wasting time.

James: I'm building the shed!

Jeremy: You're not building the shed, you're naming your tools!

The program fast-forwards for a few seconds and Clarkson and May are still bickering, Hammond urinates on a tree and two Poles are digging a trench, After it stops, Clarkson has his shotgun.

Jeremy: Is this your tape measure?

James: Might be.

Clarkson shoots the tape measure and it is flung away. Hammond turns the digger around to the viewers.

Richard: Right. Before we go any further, it's time for a quick reminder of why Alan has just shot a tape measure.

Concrete Bickering

Richard: Where on my plans does it say concrete!?

Jeremy: Concrete's better than grass. Sir Steve Redgrave is a busy man. He has no time to mow his lawn every 20 minutes, with this, you just ave to hover it in the Autumn.

Richard: But it looks shit!

Jeremy: It doesn't, grass looks shit, cause he fills it with water crests and and lawns give me hay fever.

Richard: But you don't live here!

Jeremy: Well, maybe they give Sir Steve Redgrave hay fever.

Richard: Oh, for god's sake!

Hammond walks away from him.

Hay Fever

Richard: Does Sir Steve Redgrave get hay fever?

Ann: No.

Richard: Do you get hay fever?

Ann: No.

Richard: Does any member of Sir Steve Redgrave's family get hay fever?

Ann: No.

Tree Pruning

Richard: (as Jeremy shoots at some branches) You can't prune a tree, with a shotgun.

Jeremy: Yes, you can. (Pretty soon, one shot hits James' shed, passing through and breaking a window. He goes to inspect the damage) Shit. (He tries to cover it with his hand)

Attempting to get the tree seat around a tree, Hammond tries to use a crane.

James: No, up!

Hammond moves the crane right.

James: No, you gotta lift it!

The crane hits James' shed, knocking it over and breaking the seat.

James: No! Hammond, you idiot, man, honestly!

Clarkson laughs.

James: How can you be so useless, man!?

Five hour result

A fast-forward scene shows the Poles doing the garden, but soon a Pole runs into view, on fire and another one puts it out and takes him away.

Jeremy: (voiceover) So, in just 5 hours we dug a trench, crashed a digger, knocked over a shed, concreted half the lawn, ruined the other half with Caterpillar tracks, broken a seat, shot some flowers and wounded one of the Poles. But the greenhouse was looking good.


James: What time is this program on? Is it 10 o'clock?

Jeremy: Yeah.

James: Is it 10 o'clock on BBC Two?

Jeremy: Yes.

James: Are we beyond the watershed?

Jeremy: Yes.

James: You're a fu--

Cut to Hammond.

Hammond stuck in concrete

Richard: Guys.

Clarkson comes up to him with the Salvation Army musicians behind him, playing music.

Jeremy: What have you done?

Richard: I thought it was more set and I went through it and I'm--

Jeremy: (trying to hear him over the music) What?

Richard: I'm stuck! In your concrete!

Jeremy: Oh, for god's sake!

Richard: What!?

Jeremy: You've left foot marks!

Richard: It was hardly perfect to start with, I mean you already ruined the lawn with your concrete and now I've walked on it, I'm sorry!

Jeremy: It was suppose to look like lawn! How can it look like lawn with--!?

Richard: It's not green! How can it look like lawn!?

Jeremy: (to the musicians) Please, stop the music! Can we stop!? Please! Stop it!

Clarkson grabs one of the instruments and breaks it by stepping on it, the music ceases and Hammond struggles to get out. Later, Clarkson pulls him out, leaving the boots in the concrete.

Jeremy: (voiceover) Soon, we had Hammond free. And as James rebuilt his shed, again, I began work on me rugby posts.

Rugby Posts 1

Richard: Does Sir Steve Redgrave play rugby?

Ann: No.

Richard: Do you play rugby?

Ann: No.

Richard: Does any member of Sir Steve Redgrave's family play rugby?

Ann: No.

Rugby Posts 2

The rugby posts fall on James' shed roof, breaking it.

Jeremy: (voiceover) Again, James was very angry with me.

James is furious and holds a stick on Jeremy.

James: I think you've got something to say to me, haven't you?

Jeremy: I'm surprised how heavy rugby posts are.

James: Something along the lines of "I'm sorry, James, I am a fully rigged, rate A-1, ocean-going pillock!

Richard: You two! You two, Sir Steve Redgrave will be here in half an hour! We've got to speed up again!

Fire extinguisher

James' shed is on fire from Hammond's jet barbecue and Jeremy and James wrestle for the fire extinguisher.

James: No, let me do it!

Jeremy: No, I'm going to do it!

Richard: Sorry, I--

Clarkson fires the extinguisher, it sprays at Hammond's crotch and he screams.

Jeremy: Oh, sorry, sorry!

Richard: Ahh, you've frozen my goolies!

Questioning Ann about Steve

Jeremy tries to get close to Ann and the kids, who move back a little.

Jeremy: How do you think he'll react.

Ann: I don't know, seriously.


A still of the concrete with rakes, Hammond's boots, etc.

Jeremy: (voiceover) The Poles could sense the mood.

The Poles run away, vaulting over the fence.

Jeremy: (voiceover) We however, would not run.

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